New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize
