i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I wear drunk well.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
