Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I'm gonna fight the coyote
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
