This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Randomize
