i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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