I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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