I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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