Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
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