I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
