i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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