Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
