i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
