My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
birth control should be required to get into college
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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