fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
