She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
