The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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