i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize
