im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
