WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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