I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
