Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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