my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
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