i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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