my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize
