I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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