I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
