Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
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I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
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He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
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