either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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