My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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