You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
