the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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