Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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