He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
