White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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