Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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