I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
