I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
