Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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