Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Randomize
