I want to walk on stilts...naked
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
