I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Randomize
