I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
