Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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