u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
