take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
