no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
