So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
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