Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
This is classic penis vs brain.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
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