That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
