dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
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I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
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I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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