this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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