First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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