I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
