What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
