Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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