My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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