I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
