i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize