i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
this hospital has no fireball
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Randomize
