I think I died a long time ago.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
